SCRANTON: In the middle of a lull between lunch and dinner rushes, a man burst into a pastry store this afternoon and demanded a large sum of money, holding a gun to the store clerk’s head.

A man held a fruitcake hostage for nearly eight hours this afternoon.

But the fiasco started when the money could not be produced. The would-be thief ordered everyone in the store out at gunpoint and sat in the back room for eight hours, holding a fruitcake as a hostage and demanding a ransom.

Strawberry shortcake had a lot to say to us, “It was terrifying. When the gun came out and the money wasn’t there, we didn’t know if we were going to be eaten or shot. And then, when all the people and the clerk were told to leave, we really thought it was the end. Chocolate cake nearly melted when he took fruitcake from her shelf and into the back room, but we’re just glad that it’s all over and that everyone is ok.”

The fruitcake in question was held at gunpoint for nearly eight hours until the man emerged with his hands above his head. In the time that passed, the entire police force had arrived, complete with a helicopter and a SWAT team. Fearing for the pastries, no canine units were deployed.

Our own correspondent, Loretta von Birch, was on scene today: “Leafy, we cannot immediately confirm the initial amount that the thief was asking for, however we do know that he held the fruitcake in the room and demanded no less than $20,000 for its release. The owner of the store was only called after the police arrived and completely unaware of the situation until then. No people or pastries appeared to have any injuries from the incident, however one customer did manage to trip down the step on his way out of the building.”

There were four customers in the store at the time, in addition to the clerk. All were apparently confused when they were ordered out of the store. One customer gave Loretta his thoughts: “I kept telling myself to stay calm until he made us leave. Then I started asking myself if I should just go home. What kind of stick-up was that, letting us go free in exchange for a fruitcake? Nobody likes fruitcake!”

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Fruitcake by TheEscapist

They also eat fruitcake. We Americans established our independence from Britain many years ago, with a big Tea Party and the Declaration of Independence. Although fruitcake wasn’t named anywhere in the document, it had to be a huge consideration.

The royal wedding cake looked beautiful. From the outside. Beautiful flowers and piping that took five weeks to create, covering a fruitcake, the traditional wedding cake of Britain. How fresh did the cake or frosting taste after sitting around for five weeks? Did it matter? If you’ve tasted British cooking, you know the answer.

The baker was quoted as saying, “We reflected some of the architectural details in the room so the garlands on the walls were reproduced loosely on the fourth tier.” Based on our experience with fruitcake, the flavor and texture probably mimicked the walls, as well.

Of course, we thought things would settle down now that the holidays were over. Not so! People are still discussing fruitcake, and believe it or not, making them!

Who knew fruitcake was considered a year-round food? Yes, of course it doesn’t break down, and is exactly the same, month after month, and year after year. That’s not the point. The point is, people are looking for new ways to make fruitcake at times outside the holiday season, and we’re at a loss to come up with a good reason why.

Take Annabelle White, who posted a recipe today for Summer Fruitcake. She looks like a perfectly normal lady, and she probably means well, since she says it’s her favorite way to use summer fruit. Are people in New Zealand more fruitcake-tolerant, or, is it possible (though hardly probable) they know how to make something there that’s actually edible?

Pondering that thought, we came up with the following hypothesis: since their seasons are opposite ours, maybe everything else in their world is opposite us, too. That’s the only explanation for this.

If you venture to opposite-land, or get the nerve to try Annabelle’s recipe, please send us a report. If it’s any good, it may just be the first truly edible fruitcake anyone has ever tried.

1. Classifying and sorting the fruitcake: Trained technicians evaluate each fruitcake we receive. They are sorted according to shape, and density, and the ratio of nuts and fluorescent fruit bits vs amount of actual cake is calculated.

2. Extracting the alcohol: Each year, over 50000 gallons of rum and assorted spirits are extracted in the recycling process, using a variety of machinery and methods, depending on the age, composition, and density of the fruitcake. We get thousands of applicants every year who are interested in joining our team. So far, the alcohol extraction process has been largely left in the hands of interns, who are often very happy to take their work home with them.

3. Once the alcohol is removed, the most dense cakes are transported to the construction department, where contractors are hard at work building the foundation, and eventually the walls, of our new recycling factory.

4. The cakes that can be disassembled are sent to the rendering plant, where the fluorescent fruit bits are carefully extracted and sent to the lab for analysis.

5. The inedible “fruit” bits are sent out to be tempered into stained glass panels. It is worth noting that although all bits analyzed so far have been graded as “Inedible,” we are still looking. We’re optimistic that some day, we will find real fruit in fruitcake!

6. The remainder of the cake is ground into pea-sized granules that are shipped by the truckload to the DOT, for use in a new road surface that is stronger than concrete, impervious to the elements, and virtually indestructible.

We have some exciting new openings in R&D. One important project worth noting is the creation of biofuel from the assorted byproducts that are created in the recycling process. We’re hoping it will eclipse ethanol sales by 2012.

On a local level, we are working with communities around the States to establish sustainable recycling programs. You can get involved by recycling every fruitcake you receive. You’ll find a number of handy craft ideas on our main website. If you’re not crafty, the next-best option is to hold onto the fruitcake until next Christmas, to regift to someone else.

The recycling process starts at Christmas, and continues throughout the year. If you find a fruitcake hiding somewhere any time of year, please recycle it yourself, or send it to us for recycling. Mother Earth will thank you.

We hate fruitcake, because it has become a tradition in America. People who have never tasted it have been raised to hate fruitcake by parents who also have not tried it. We all love traditions, and since they are so entrenched in our lives, no one wants to taste of fruitcake and possibly have a cherished Christmas belief crushed. (First, Santa, and now fruitcake. Where will it end?)

Of course, for those of us who have had the misfortune of actually trying fruitcake, we know the real reason is because fruitcake is as awful as we feared.

Interestingly enough, this tradition doesn’t translate well to other countries. I’ve been contacted by people from the UK and Australia who say their fruitcakes are “moist and delicious.” Some of these people state that “everyone here loves fruitcake,” a claim that is really hard to believe. Chocolate is a wonderful treat, yet there are people who don’t like it at all. It’s apparent these people are exaggerating for effect, and covering for the fact that their fruitcake isn’t as wonderful as they want everyone else to believe.

Before you fall prey to one of the pranksters who dare you to try a piece, remember this: you are what you eat.

So far, they haven’t.

The next time I stopped in, the display was gone, the “Holiday Fruitcake” had been reduced to $3.99, moved to a shelf, and joined by a competitor (Claxton). From the original display of 48 cakes, 25 had sold (shocking, but true), and 23 remained on the shelf.

Why is this significant? The next time I stopped in, the Claxton fruitcakes were all gone, and the “Holiday Fruitcakes” count had increased to 39. It’s like they were multiplying. That’s the thing about fruitcake. You can’t take your eyes off of it for a moment.

Forward to Christmas Eve. 27 fruitcakes.

December 26: The same 27 fruitcakes. No one has touched them in days.

December 27: the same 27, and now they’re $1.99. As a sort of grocery camouflage, someone put cookies on the shelf in front, so you can’t see how many there are. Nice ploy. Nobody’s buying it. Or the fruitcakes.

I wonder how low the price will need to go before they are all sold.

Here’s my theory: The fruitcakes will sit there, because no one buys fruitcake for themselves. Now that the holiday is over, and there is no one to foist a fruitcake upon, they have completely lost their appeal.

This supermarket donates leftover baked goods to a local food bank. A nice gesture, but I hope they think twice before donating the remaining fruitcakes. The homeless have suffered enough.

It’s rather unrealistic, however, as they make it appear as if the thing actually gets eaten in the end. That’s how we know this is not a true story.