Since we all breathed a collective sigh of relief when election day came and went, taking all the politicians and their commercials off our televisions until the next election, it’s pretty disappointing to find so many of them in a “Holiday Greeting.” They clearly understand the concept of regifting fruitcake, we’ll give them that much. However, with such bad acting, we’re very surprised any of these people actually made it into office.
If this is what they think is funny, we’re not so sure we trust their judgment. Politicians and fruitcake: There’s definitely a joke somewhere in there, but it won’t be funny if the politicians are telling it.
Listen up guys. We’ll stay out of Florida politics, if you agree to leave the fruitcake jokes to us.
Is it the worst fruitcake video of the season? Tell us what you think in the comments.
We’ve been receiving reports from postmen all over the country that suspiciously heavy packages have entered the system. This is not unusual for this time of year, however, the news is still disturbing. We suspect that the majority of those packages contain fruitcake.
Why is this such a problem?
Fruitcakes, because of their extreme density, are changing the gravitational pull of the earth. You may have noticed this yourself. If you’ve stepped on the scale and noticed a few extra pounds, it’s not you, it’s fruitcake. What you’re experiencing is the increase in the downwards weight force, driving you harder into the scale. This is also responsible for additional inches around the waist, as you become shorter, and the weight is redistributed. The height difference often goes unnoticed, but the increased circumference is a mirror of the equatorial bulge and is much easier to spot on casual observation.*
The natural progression of this phenomenon will eventually turn the planet into a black hole, as the gravitational pull gets so intense that everything is sucked into the center of the earth. **
Although sufferers can find relief by avoiding Christmas parties and increasing time at the gym, this is a temporary fix, as the effects are magnified each holiday season.
Unfortunately, the damage is done, and it is impossible to take any fruitcakes out of circulation. However, we can try to stop the process by keeping any more fruitcakes from being created.
Please, don’t bake a fruitcake. Don’t buy a fruitcake. If you get a fruitcake this Christmas, please do the responsible thing and regift, reuse, and recycle. Together, we can do this. We can save the planet, one fruitcake at a time.
*Fruitcake, and it effect on gravity hasn’t actually been studied by any “real” scientists. Since they’re dropping the ball here, we’re making our own claims. Let them prove us wrong.
For more about gravity, we give you Miss USA contestants:
What’s worse than fruitcake? Moldy fruitcake. Especially when it’s intended for dogs. Claudia’s Canine Cuisine is voluntarily recalling Dog Candy Fruit Hound Cake (7.5oz) and Dog Candy Blueberry Hound Cake (7.5oz) because of potential mold contamination. Although no illnesses have been reported, it’s important to not feed this fruitcake to your dog, and return it to PetSmart, or wherever you bought it.
You shouldn’t feed the “regular” kind to your animals, either, because the currants, raisins, and alcohol could kill them. It’s even worse for them than it is for humans, believe it or not.
If you bought fruitcake for your dog, haven’t you been listening??! Fruitcake, whether intended for humans or animals, is a dangerous environmental threat.
This Christmas, don’t buy a fruitcake for anyone, animal or human. Don’t bake a fruitcake, and if you get a fruitcake, please regift, reuse, or recycle it to save our planet!
In a world of media spin, hype, and product placements, one newspaper in Omaha, Nebraska, America’s Heartland, is taking a stand at Christmas by publishing the pure, unvarnished truth:
This answers the age-old questions:
- Where does fruitcake come from?
- Who makes the darned stuff?
- There’s an International Fruitcake Institute?
- Does anyone really eat fruitcake?
- What’s wrong with those people?
The answer is always the same, “We don’t know, either.”
Which is exactly what we’ve been saying all along.