Established 2005      Fruitcakes Recycled:

Guest post by
Leafydebater
Newsvine.com Columnist

SCRANTON: In the middle of a lull between lunch and dinner rushes, a man burst into a pastry store this afternoon and demanded a large sum of money, holding a gun to the store clerk’s head.

A man held a fruitcake hostage for nearly eight hours this afternoon.

But the fiasco started when the money could not be produced. The would-be thief ordered everyone in the store out at gunpoint and sat in the back room for eight hours, holding a fruitcake as a hostage and demanding a ransom.

Strawberry shortcake had a lot to say to us, “It was terrifying. When the gun came out and the money wasn’t there, we didn’t know if we were going to be eaten or shot. And then, when all the people and the clerk were told to leave, we really thought it was the end. Chocolate cake nearly melted when he took fruitcake from her shelf and into the back room, but we’re just glad that it’s all over and that everyone is ok.”

The fruitcake in question was held at gunpoint for nearly eight hours until the man emerged with his hands above his head. In the time that passed, the entire police force had arrived, complete with a helicopter and a SWAT team. Fearing for the pastries, no canine units were deployed.

Our own correspondent, Loretta von Birch, was on scene today: “Leafy, we cannot immediately confirm the initial amount that the thief was asking for, however we do know that he held the fruitcake in the room and demanded no less than $20,000 for its release. The owner of the store was only called after the police arrived and completely unaware of the situation until then. No people or pastries appeared to have any injuries from the incident, however one customer did manage to trip down the step on his way out of the building.”

There were four customers in the store at the time, in addition to the clerk. All were apparently confused when they were ordered out of the store. One customer gave Loretta his thoughts: “I kept telling myself to stay calm until he made us leave. Then I started asking myself if I should just go home. What kind of stick-up was that, letting us go free in exchange for a fruitcake? Nobody likes fruitcake!”

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This article was brought to you by Leafydebater from Newsvine.com.

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In this short film, the folks at Daily Motion give this fruitcake the love and attention it deserves. When you meet an enemy of this size, death can be the only acceptable outcome. Buh bye for the last time.

Fruitcake by TheEscapist

There was a wedding in the UK today, and for some reason, people all over the world were spellbound as a guy from an antiquated monarchy married a lovely young woman in a ceremony that reeked of Narnia and fairy tales, filled with lace, trains, and centuries of tradition. Elegant and common; just the stuff the Brits eat up.

They also eat fruitcake. We Americans established our independence from Britain many years ago, with a big Tea Party and the Declaration of Independence. Although fruitcake wasn’t named anywhere in the document, it had to be a huge consideration.

The royal wedding cake looked beautiful. From the outside. Beautiful flowers and piping that took five weeks to create, covering a fruitcake, the traditional wedding cake of Britain. How fresh did the cake or frosting taste after sitting around for five weeks? Did it matter? If you’ve tasted British cooking, you know the answer.

The baker was quoted as saying, “We reflected some of the architectural details in the room so the garlands on the walls were reproduced loosely on the fourth tier.” Based on our experience with fruitcake, the flavor and texture probably mimicked the walls, as well.

Fruitcake is an unwelcome gift any time of year, but Valentine’s Day? That’s just plain cruel. If they weren’t already an “ex,” this gift would absolutely guarantee they soon would be!